Relationship separation anxiety is a complex emotional phenomenon that can significantly impact individuals and their romantic relationships. While it shares similarities with general separation anxiety disorder, it specifically pertains to the distress and unease experienced when separated from a romantic partner. In this article, we'll delve into the intricacies of relationship separation anxiety, exploring its signs, causes, and effective coping strategies.
What is Relationship Separation Anxiety?
Relationship separation anxiety manifests as intense distress or fear when separated from a romantic partner. Unlike healthy feelings of missing someone, separation anxiety can be debilitating, affecting daily functioning and emotional well-being. Individuals experiencing this type of anxiety may find it challenging to be apart from their partner for even short periods.
Signs of Relationship Separation Anxiety:
1. Excessive Worry: Individuals with separation anxiety often worry excessively about their partner's safety, well-being, or fidelity when apart. They may constantly check in with their partner or seek reassurance to alleviate their anxiety.
2. Physical Symptoms: Anxiety can manifest physically, leading to symptoms such as nausea, headaches, trembling, or even panic attacks when separated from the partner.
3. Avoidance of Separation: Those with separation anxiety may go to great lengths to avoid being apart from their partner. They might decline social invitations, rearrange schedules, or even refuse opportunities that would require them to be separated.
4. Difficulty Concentrating: The distress of separation can interfere with daily tasks and responsibilities, making it challenging to concentrate or focus on anything other than thoughts of the partner.
5. Fear of Abandonment: Individuals with separation anxiety often harbor a deep-seated fear of being abandoned by their partner. This fear may stem from past experiences of abandonment or attachment issues.
Separation Anxiety vs. Missing Your Partner
It's important to note that relationship separation anxiety is very different from just missing your partner. Missing your partner isn't generally coming from a place of fear or anxiousness about being apart from them in the way that separation anxiety is. Missing your partner is more of a feeling of longing adoration, while separation anxiety often feels overwhelming and all-consuming.
So, how can you tell the difference? Really try to notice and distinguish what exactly you are feeling and where those emotions are stemming from. (Try using a wheel of emotions to do exactly that.) Meaning, if you feel afraid, why do you feel afraid? Are you afraid for your partner's safety? Your safety? Being alone? Being able to name and distinguish the feelings and why you feel these things is so helpful for breaking them down, which ultimately helps you take steps to get what you need or want.
Separation Anxiety vs. Codependency
Codependency is best described as an excessive emotional reliance on a partner and the role you play in that person's life). This differs from the underlying panic that's often present in relationship separation anxiety. However, both can easily stem from an underlying fear of abandonment, which typically develops when your attachment style does (between seven and 11 months of age), and may have stemmed from childhood abandonment or abandonment in a previous relationship.Not all people who experience relationship separation anxiety are codependent and not all codependent people experience relationship separation anxiety, but they can be indicators of one another.
For example, codependency can also stem from a place of fear, but it can look different than the fear associated with separation anxiety. Someone who is codependent is most likely worried about losing their role in their partners' life, a fear of not being needed, whereas relationship separation anxiety can manifest from a fear of being alone, dumped, or rejected, or even of your partner finding someone they "want to be with more." (Also read: 7 Signs You Could Be In a Toxic Relationship)
Separation Anxiety and Attachment Styles
As mentioned above, there's a chance people with certain anxious attachment styles might be more prone to separation anxiety. It's not only those people who can experience relationship separation anxiety, but it's an excellent indicator to look out for. For example, most folks with secure attachment won't experience relationship separation anxiety, while folks with anxious attachment styles generally act out in anxious ways because they fear that whoever they love will leave them. This could manifest itself in the form of relationship separation anxiety in more intense situations.
Causes of Relationship Separation Anxiety:
1. Attachment Style: Attachment theory suggests that early experiences with caregivers shape one's attachment style in adult relationships. Those with anxious-preoccupied attachment styles are more prone to separation anxiety due to a heightened fear of abandonment.
2. Trauma or Loss: Past experiences of trauma or loss, such as the death of a loved one or a previous relationship breakup, can trigger separation anxiety in subsequent relationships.
3. Dependency: Dependency on a romantic partner for emotional fulfillment or a sense of identity can exacerbate separation anxiety. Individuals who rely heavily on their partner for validation may struggle immensely with being apart.
4. Unresolved Issues: Unresolved conflicts or unresolved issues within the relationship can contribute to separation anxiety. Feelings of insecurity or mistrust may intensify when separated, leading to heightened anxiety.
5. Environmental Factors: Environmental stressors, such as work pressure, financial instability, or family conflicts, can exacerbate relationship separation anxiety by increasing overall stress levels.
Coping Strategies for Relationship Separation Anxiety:
1. Communication: Open and honest communication with your partner about your feelings of anxiety is crucial. Expressing your concerns and discussing strategies to cope with separation can strengthen your bond and alleviate anxiety.
2. Establish Boundaries: Establishing healthy boundaries within the relationship can help alleviate separation anxiety. Encourage independence and individual hobbies or interests to maintain a sense of autonomy.
3. Practice Self-Care: Prioritize self-care activities that promote relaxation and reduce stress. Engage in activities such as exercise, meditation, or hobbies that bring you joy and fulfillment.
4. Therapy: Seeking therapy, either individually or as a couple, can be immensely beneficial in addressing underlying issues contributing to separation anxiety. Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) and attachment-based therapies can help individuals develop coping mechanisms and improve relationship dynamics.
5. Mindfulness and Relaxation Techniques: Practice mindfulness and relaxation techniques to manage anxiety symptoms when separated from your partner. Deep breathing exercises, progressive muscle relaxation, or mindfulness meditation can help calm racing thoughts and reduce physical tension.
6. Challenge Negative Thoughts: Challenge negative thoughts and beliefs that contribute to separation anxiety. Replace irrational fears with more rational and balanced perspectives, reminding yourself of your partner's love and commitment.
Is Separation Anxiety In Relationships Unhealthy?
Separation anxiety can be unhealthy, yes. And it's likely stemming from fears that need to be analyzed and given some attention. Leaving past traumas unprocessed can lead to unhealthy behavior. (See: 5 Steps to Working Through Trauma, According to a Therapist Who Works with First Responders)
However, it's important to note that whatever your brain does automatically isn't your "fault" and doesn't mean something is "wrong with you." Your brain is full of chemicals, response signals, and warning signs designed to protect you when you feel like you're in dangerous situations. Whether or not you might actually be in a dangerous situation is up to what your body is remembering and deciding to act on. Have you ever been sitting at your desk but felt physically like you're trying to outrun a bear in the woods? The point is, it isn't shameful or bad to respond in this way to something; it just means your body is doing its job trying to protect you. That said, if there is no literal bear in the woods, you can learn tools to assure your body that it is okay and safe.
I say all this to remind you that unhealthy doesn't have to be a "dirty" word — it can be a helpful word that indicates there is room for growth.
Separation Anxiety In Relationships & COVID
Many people who have been in relationships over the course of the last year and a half have likely, at some point, been quarantined with their partner(s) — or at least had minimal contact with other important relationships, resulting in spouses or partners becoming the main person they see all the time. During "normal" non-pandemic times, most people put time into other relationships, get to leave the house at least once a day, and have other activities — even if it was simply going to work!
During lockdown, however, that wasn't the case for most people. In instances where both partners worked from home, because of the state of the world, it's likely you bonded in ways you never have before. Also, with the added fear of coronavirus itself, you might fear for your partner in ways you never had before.
Many people got used to having their romantic partners around all the time, which could absolutely lead to now feeling anxious when that partner leaves. Again, this is simply your brain's response, and not a good or a bad thing.
If You Think You're Experiencing Separation Anxiety In Your Relationship...
If you're reading this and finding it sounds similar to some things you experience, I encourage you to talk to someone about it. Whether it's your partner or a friend, get it out of the dark shame space and let it out into the light.When something is kept inside, it seems to get bigger and often creates other issues. When you share these feelings, you release any shame and get support, whether that's from a friend, lover, and/or a therapist.
If you want to dive in even deeper, I encourage you to talk with your therapist or begin therapy to start deconstructing even further. Your body is truly amazing at trying to protect you — most of the time you just need to uncover why it's trying to protect you and help give your body some peace of mind. Some helpful tips:
Remember that everything is ok: If you start feeling this type of anxiety come on, remind yourself that you and your partner are safe, that you are okay, and it's okay to feel this way.
Be kind to yourself: Don't add to your own stress by making yourself feel bad for feeling this way. Be gentle to yourself and hold space for what you're feeling.
Talk: It's not shameful to talk about what you struggle with, it's actually very courageous.
Journal: This is the writing version of processing out loud. You can get your thoughts and feelings down onto paper and out of your mind.
Call a friend: Feeling connected and heard are very important on self-soothing and coping in a healthy way. Just be sure to pick a friend who can listen non-judgmentally, someone you know is safe.
Go for a walk: Moving your body and changing your scenery does wonders for your mood. Often, when you're feeling stuck, you may sit still or lay down which literally keeps you — and your mind — still. But when you can move your body.
Conclusion:
Relationship separation anxiety can pose significant challenges to individuals and their romantic relationships. By recognizing the signs, understanding the underlying causes, and implementing effective coping strategies, individuals can alleviate distress and strengthen their relationship bonds. Through open communication, establishing healthy boundaries, prioritizing self-care, seeking therapy when needed, and practicing mindfulness, individuals can navigate separation anxiety and cultivate healthier, more fulfilling relationships.
FAQS
1. What is relationship separation anxiety?
- Relationship separation anxiety refers to the intense distress or fear experienced when separated from a romantic partner. It can manifest as excessive worry, physical symptoms, avoidance of separation, difficulty concentrating, and fear of abandonment.
2. How is relationship separation anxiety different from general separation anxiety?
- While general separation anxiety can occur in various relationships, relationship separation anxiety specifically pertains to distress experienced when separated from a romantic partner. It often involves concerns about the partner's safety, well-being, or fidelity.
3. What are the signs of relationship separation anxiety?
- Signs of relationship separation anxiety include excessive worry about the partner, physical symptoms such as nausea or trembling, avoidance of separation, difficulty concentrating, and fear of abandonment.
4. What causes relationship separation anxiety?
- Relationship separation anxiety can stem from factors such as attachment style, past trauma or loss, dependency on the partner, unresolved issues within the relationship, and environmental stressors.
5. How can I cope with relationship separation anxiety?
- Coping strategies for relationship separation anxiety include open communication with your partner, establishing healthy boundaries, practicing self-care, seeking therapy, and using mindfulness and relaxation techniques to manage anxiety symptoms.
6. Is relationship separation anxiety common?
- Relationship separation anxiety can vary in intensity and prevalence among individuals. While it's normal to miss a partner when apart, excessive distress or impairment in functioning may indicate separation anxiety.
7. When should I seek professional help for relationship separation anxiety?
- If relationship separation anxiety significantly impacts your daily life, relationships, or emotional well-being, consider seeking professional help. A therapist can provide support, guidance, and therapeutic interventions to address underlying issues and develop effective coping strategies.
8. Can relationship separation anxiety be overcome?
- Yes, relationship separation anxiety can be managed and overcome with appropriate support and interventions. By addressing underlying factors, developing coping mechanisms, and fostering healthy relationship dynamics, individuals can alleviate distress and cultivate more fulfilling relationships.
9. Is relationship separation anxiety a sign of a weak relationship?
- Not necessarily. Relationship separation anxiety can occur in both strong and struggling relationships. It often reflects individual insecurities, attachment styles, or past experiences rather than the strength of the relationship itself.
10. Can couples therapy help with relationship separation anxiety?
- Yes, couples therapy can be beneficial for addressing relationship separation anxiety. A therapist can help couples explore underlying issues, improve communication and conflict resolution skills, and strengthen their bond to reduce anxiety and enhance relationship satisfaction.
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